Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Can Happiness buy money?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
c’mon!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier