My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!