The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”