“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest