I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding