I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.