I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now