I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
😍😂🥰😂😍
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.