Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”