Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Yup.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way