remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
You have been warned.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.