My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Love this guy
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”