Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
based al yankovic
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.