My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
God, I love Scotland
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.