Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Okay, I’m still confused…
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Employees must applaud the planets.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet