If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.