Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You Might Also Like
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.