“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
This is a sub tweet
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
and this one
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about