You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.