You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“our sushi is very fresh”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
oh my gosh!!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.