I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over