I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You Might Also Like
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Peace was never an option
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
thank god the sign was there
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.