Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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New comic up. “Ransom”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.