My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I love the National Park Service.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you