Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Where is your GOD now????
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.