kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
a badder mouse
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/