I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
You Might Also Like
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The booster protects against what, now?
wut hotdog?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
hackers play passwordle
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.