Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I hate everything
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”