me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil