dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.