Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.