Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
This is so me 😂😂
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
my proudest tweet
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’