I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.