Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Merica.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.