i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship