Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
BRAKING NEWS!!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.