I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]