cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
mathematically impossible
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.