Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
#merica
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!