Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
this is the news I live for
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.