I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.