I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…