I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
smh
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Nomnomnomnom
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check