When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”