After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.