ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.