Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers