Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
LOL!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction