Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.