i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
absolute chaos
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.